The Scary Thing About This …

October 27, 2017

To point fingers at the abundant amount of schoolwork and hefty work schedule I had for my absence from most forms of social media is easy blame. The scary thing about this is, it only played a small part of the equation. It was on a particular day and one click was all it took to transport myself back to the nightmares of five years past.

I started this blog as a form of escape years ago, and such flaw still upholds to today. Yet improvements have been made to balance out the missing pieces. Since the beginning of my writings, I constantly pushed myself to rise to the challenge of self acceptance. And for a while I upheld the stable belief that I’ve made it to a healthy threshold of confidence, though it’s unfortunate to have found myself defeated again at ground zero.

I stared at their shiny locks, painted nails and mile long, batting eyelashes, clearly disjointed from the more important class lecture. This is at no interest for obvious reasons of my sexuality, but rather comparison from my grade 12 mentality characterized by low self-esteem. I found myself reflecting back at my own choices, or lack thereof as certain aspects could not be controlled. My unruly, shorter hair, cracked skin, and exaggerated eye bags (designer as they may be), begged for answers of reason and incapability to compete. But that was the problem, why was I competing?

So with that in mind, I played escape again. Only this time, I played field on the opposite side. The purpose of La Petite Garçonne was to serve an outlet for sharing and inspiration, that grew on the basis of self-awareness, confidence, feminism and artistic exploration.

So to have withdrawn back to my old self felt deceitful on my part, and playing the card of silence was at everyone’s best interest. Who was I to advocate on the pillars of self-acceptance when I clearly couldn’t deliver that to myself?

After constant battles with myself and (thank goodness), reached the inevitable end, I am now past the thing of the past. Or maybe not. Perhaps I’ve come to the healthier conclusion that my confidence was not a static being and as I constantly change, there was always catching up to do. Though not wanting to sound like an old record player, but repetition is obviously very much required for my stubborn mind, I have to constantly remind myself to compete with no one else  but myself and myself alone.

So now I’m back and this is coincidentally my 100th post.

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